Endless tears.

Thursday. 6 am I awoke to the morning activity. Neither alarm had rung. I greeted my family. The sunrise was spectacular over the back of the home. The rear steps/landing of the home are the bedrock of most work...cooking, washing etc. Issach was the first of the two boys to greet the day. He gave me a gentle hug starring in disbelief that today was the day I was leaving. I began putting the bags by the front door and they all started to think I was leaving at that moment. They came running trying to assess the situation. I did my best to tell them that I was just getting it ready for depature, not yet leaving. Time is a very hard thing to describe but eventually they understood that I had 2 hours prior to my departure. I looked at Issach and said "ABCs?". His eyes lit up and he quickly got the box from the drawer and began dumping the pieces. 3 days ago I thought this particular matching game might be too advanced for him. Today he had it mastered. He is soooooo smart. At one point he looked up and asked "Rwanda? America?" while pointing to the game. His eyes beemed when I said "Rwanda". This child has captured my heart in a very powerful way. To think 2 months ago he as a beaten battered begger with a misterable life in front of him. Today he has the potential to achieve the ultimate that God has in store for him. To all of you that have been donating to CALM, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. His life has been dramatically altered because of you. He is a living testiment to Chantal following her calling to help these former orphans. I began to ponder what is would be like to bring home both Issach and Dorene (aka Kababy). How his eyes would light up at the airplane, of seeing all that there was outside of what he knew. I envisioned the kids of Abbott meeting them for the 1st time. He would quickly absorb the language and we would visit Rwanda annually to keep them emersed in their culture. Oh to dream of the possiblities. I had planned at being at the 1st home by 7:30 am at the latest in order to being my goodbyes. I asked mama if the kids could "a handee with Miss Donna" ...go to the other house. She motioned that they 1st needed to eat. They sat down to their hot milk and buttered bread. When Mama left the room I motioned for them to eat fast so we could go. Issach was all or it. Lyionere was a bit confused, but Issach expain. Viola. Done. Ahh, not to hit the trail. I said goodbye to Mama when she motioned that their faces needed to be cleaned. "Eggo/Yes" I said. But then next thing I knew she was re-dressing them head to toe. Agggh, time was flying. But I couldn't exactly just leave without them understanding so I just went with the flow. 20 mins later we headed for the front door. As we opened it Sabrina walked in laughing. I looked behind her and there was a trail of all of my angels who had come to say goodbye. It was darling. It was a brilliant plan as it allowed us to maximize our time together. We showed the older kids some of the games we had. You could tell there were a little bummed that they were only at the 2nd home but when we sat down to play them they quickly re-focused on the games. Fabiola was exceptionally interested in learning. We had brought a couple of these games to the 1st home but the chaos is endless with everyone wanting to play. For some that simply means chewing on a piece. For others that means wondering off with their own piece or filling their pockets with them. I took some photos of Paul and Mary Rose for the couple that is deciding this weekend if they want to adopt them. Marie Rose was dressed in the prettiest little purple dress. Paul was sporting his new cap. Throughtout our time together I kept disppearing into one of the rooms or outside to to bawl. At one point Issach found me, then Fabiola. They walked up and stared into my face to determine what they were seeing. How do you explain to these kids that you love them more than they could possibly imagine. That I couldn't love them any more if they were my own. How do I with hold the tears that I may never see them again if they are adopted. Every time I picked up Kababy I would ask her if I was supposed to bring her home with me. If she was supposed to be my daughter. She of course didn't have a clue what I was saying but she looked me straight in the eyes and then would start to laugh...Kababay...silly one. I put her on top of my duffle bag and sure enough...she would fit inside. The perfect smuggler! I laughed at the thought. I wasn't sure if the kids were going to the airport like last time so I wasn't sure when to start my real goodbyes. We sang when you're happy and you know it clap your hands for the last time. I had difficulty getting through the song as I certainly was not happy. I took time to hold each child tell them I loved them and asked God's blessing and protection on them. "da ga coon da" I love you. They were so busy playing and having fun that they just let me be. We never sat down for the kids to pile on me in the usual position. Two under each arm. Two on each leg as was our regular position with everyone squeeling for a closer position. Chantal arrived to greet us. I asked if the kids were joining us. No, they would be staying at the home. I burst into tears realizing that I now had 5 mins to say my real goodbyes. I held each child and went through the same routine I had done last time. The river of tears that were flowing down my face really concerned them. They simply couldn't understand what their white friend who made them laugh was crying. The Mama hugged me so tight I could hardly breathe. She understood completely. As I started to head to the car, I turned around and did the whole thing one more time. I just couldn't say goodbye. Issach and Fabiola kept studying my face with such intensity. The Aunties had told Chantal that Issach had been crying this morning too. I mustered everthing in me to say "Goodbye, I love you and I will miss you and cry many tears in America" in Kenyarwanda. They understood. then I wiped away the slobber on my face and got into the car. They kids were looking at me with such intensity, I knew I needed to focus on them...so what the heck...another round of if you're happy and you know it just for good measure. They all joined in in full voice. As we drove past the gate of the home I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I cried until my insides were empty. Chantal just kept saying " oh they love you Miss Donna, they will miss you". Suddenly I realized that we hadn't said goodbye to the mom in the 1st home nor Sarah, but we were out of time. Chantal promised to do the honors. All the new clothes should be ready later today so Chantal promised to take a photo and send them to me. It would have been such a blessing to be present when they tried them on for the first time, but alas, time marches on. I look forward to when we can have internet so we can talk back and forth to the kids and adults. Mbanda met us at the airport for my goodbye For now. On some measures, it it good that the journey to and from Rwanda takes 36 hours. I easily need that much processing time. Clearly God has given me an amazing blessing to be present to these children. To have famiy, friends, co-workers and others that care enough to make a difference. To truly make a big difference in the lives of these beautiful blessed children.. The tinest of the kids in the tinest of the spec of a country. I intend to do my utmost for His highest. I'd like to set my sights on raising $75,000 to build our 3rd home. What choice will I personally make about adoption. I trust God has a plan and will reveal it in His perfect time.