"Puddle" tears.

(note - see youtube video posted as listed 2 entries below) Tears that won’t stop flowing. A few days before I was to leave I helped the Mommies, Aunties and Kids understand that I would be on a plane to America soon. The kids are able to understand this in English (well sort of), the adults require a sense of naming or counting days and then me making the universal airplane sign with my arms spread out while saying “America” and using the Kinyarwanda word for “tears”. Eventually they get it and then say “channie” tears. Meaning VERY MANY tears. A fews days from departure it really didn’t matter to the kids, but the night before I was to leave they started crying. The older ones simply withdrew and stopped talking to me. I tried to get them to play and sing songs and they just sat there staring at me. I asked if they were tired or sad, and they said sad. I tried to get them to shake the sad feelings but it wasn’t possible. They just stared at me. Then one by one they put themselves to bed without the big fun goodnights. Ahhh, my heart was breaking. The adults were eager to get in their last English lesson with “Teacher” Donna so we worked very hard at the key things. They would have gone on for a long long time but I eventually needed to get some sleep. After I went to my room I heard them out in the living room having a go at it by themselves. It was so wonderful to hear them trying to help each other with colors or key words like shirt, pants etc. Speaking of “shirt”. Remember when I said they had some difficult with the letter R? Well some of the aunties could only pronounce Shirt as Shit. I tried to explain that is was the a word for poo ( I use the term delicately) by motioning to my rear end while creating the sense of being on a toilet. They eventually got it and thought it was very very funny. OMG, they laughed so hard. As I gave my goodnight kisses all around each of them said “thank you” in English. They were so proud to be able to say the word in English. I walked by to my room and started to cry. I simply don’t know how to leave these people I love these kids with all my heart. They are my kids to me, not some distant collection of kids in a far away African country. I love them to the depth of my soul. I cried and cried and cried then began to pack. I got up at 5 am the next morning and was there for each child as they opened their eyes. I rarely was there at the moment over the past 2 weeks so they loved the surprise of having me there with a smile and my ‘da-go-coonda’ greeting (I love you!) I decided I needed to try to keep the kids happy that morning rather than sitting around with a bunch of teary eyes. Early on I took my luggage to the gate. As is our tradition, the kids love to carry anything when we are walking some place so each wanted to carry a bag, I spread things out so they could each have a little something. My water bottle, a camera bag, a duffle, back pack , jacket etc etc. They giggled as they tried to manage some of the bigger pieces. Then they got sad but I quickly got them back to the yard and started to play so they didn’t have to stare at the bags. I love morning at the homes. The kids get up early. The older kids in the top bunks carefully take the mosquito netting and tie it up above their heads. The netting is massive as it covers the top and bottom bunk. Then they make their bed in the top bunk and work their way down the ladder. After making a pit stop they all go to the living room and take their cup and toothbrush from the cabinet and the oldest one puts a little toothpaste on the toothbrush. Next they head to the dining room area and put the tiniest splash of water in the cup and head to the yard. They crouch down and begin brushing their teeth in a line. When they are done they take what little amount of water is left in the cup and wash their face. Some of the kids have pj’s so they look so adorable crouched over washing their teeth. Dorcus is the funniest. Everything is funny to her so brushing her teeth always makes me laugh. As the kids are starting to get ready the Aunties are already beginning the process of scrubbing every inch of the floors with a towel or old broom with a towel on it. It takes a long time but is reflective of the pride that they have in these homes. Everything is spic and span. They also make every bed with military precision. The jersey sheets that some friends of mine donated 2 years ago are still holding up nicely. We brought another supply of cotton ones that will get rotated in as the older ones wear out. The kids from the 1st home came over early. They surprised me as they rounded the corner of the court yard. I had spent some time with them the night before and they too were crying when I left. Mostly Marie Rose and Dorene. Tanteanay Claudin looked at me so seriously and said “Miss Donna”…and put her arms out like an airplane and sat it with a question in her voice. Yes was my reply and then she said “no!” at which point I burst into tears and quickly headed down the hallway so the kids didn’t see me “Sorry sorry” was her reply. She is absolutely amazing with these kids. She has so much love to give and does so in abundance. One by one the kids started to cry and it was a mess. I went to my room to compose myself and when I returned she had them all in a circle and motioned for me to come into the center. Each of them put their hand on me and began to pray with tears streaming down their faces. I couldn’t hold it in and joined in the puddles of tears. Dorene just kept looking at me with such sad eyes, the same with MarieRose. Just shoot me and put me out of my mystery. Remember, each of these precious angels has been orphaned or abandoned. So to them I was just another person who was leaving them. It was expecially apparent to the 3 new girls that we received last week as they of course thought I came with the place. The oldest one who didn’t speak any form of English shared her anguish with the look in her eyes and her face. Aghhhhhhh I don’t know how to leave these wonderful kids. We all went to church as a way of creating a nice send off. They were farely composed by then but still have me the longing look of – please change your mind.. Eventually I put each child on my lap. Wrapped my arms around them, said a silent prayer and held and rocked them. Each one cried. Some of them like Esther literally got my pants wet from the tears. Tears usually just stream down the face and are a tiny drop at the chin if they aren’t wiped away by then. I have never seen such puddles of tears. I mean puddles. There was no sound, no wimpering, just tears and the occasionally big eyes looking up at me. When she settled down I moved to the next child. Some of the boys thought it was great fun to sit on my lap and take off my watch or ring etc. Some of the girls were fine too. But most of the kids, especially the girls just were moosh. As I moved to the row behind Esther she just kept looking at me and crying. I eventually reached for her and held her again cradling her deep in my arms. She finally fell asleep and I handed her to Claudine so I could keep moving. Thankfully the last two were Dorcus and Ariene who think that everything in life is fun or funny so they smiled and played with me as I held them. They are total goofballs and I am thankful for them in my life. Marie Rose who was sitting in the front row just kept turning around and looking at me studying my every move. Eventually the service was over and Chantal decided all the kids needed to come to the airport to send me off. I jumped into her SUV and 5 kids piled in the back the rest, including the aunties got into the van. As we were driving I told Chantal about all the tears and the I wanted to make the airport experience fun. She said “what was I thinking, I’m going to have 20+ crying kids and aunties at the airport…how will I get them home?” I was blessed to have MarieRose, Kayitesi, Dorene, Alice and 2 others that escape me at the moment in the car so they proudly sang the news songs that I had taught them to Chantal’s delight. Alice did a solo rendition of “This old man” that was so cute. All the kids think “nic nac pattywack” is very very funny. Alice is so smart she really picked up the concept of the rhyms and remembered how the song went. The kids love seeing the airport and all the activity. By then I was composed an committed to the kind of departure that Chantal did with Issac, Fabiola, Sande and Lionel at boarding school. Kids feed off our reactions so if I cried they would cry. If I blew big kisses they would focus on trying to send them back and laugh as they did it. The kids did great. The Aunties were a mess but they saw was I was trying to do and did their best to mirror my approach. 2 of the Aunties said “Donna, I love you”. The first time they had been able to speak those works in English. Aghhh, the pain. I was doing pretty well until I got to Chantal. As I wrapped my arms around her and hugged tight the floodgates opened again. I told her she couldn’t ‘get go until I found my happy face again. It took a while but eventually I was able to back away and produce a smile and start blowing kisses as I got into the security line. I stopped just before I disappeared in behind the wall and just looked at them trying to memorize each of their faces. Sure I took over 7000 pics and have nearly 200 gigs of photos and video, but that’s different. I wanted to take them in as a family and scan each face, smile,body as a 3d image. I stared as long as I could before Chantal said “Miss Donna, go or you’ll be late!”. I blew them 1 more monster kiss that made them laugh as I disappeared behind the wall. Yes, I stuck my head out for 1 more peak and sure enough they were all still standing there staring into the place that I had been seconds before. I giggled and blew a last kiss. Disappearing behind the wall into security I tried to compose myself but inside every muscle, every joint, every living flowing thing within me was in pain and crying out. To be continued this weekend.